#14 Quote Me Happy!

If you were asked by a stranger on the street on a scale of 1-100 how happy you're generally feeling, would you reply with 77? Because that's what the latest figures suggest coming out of a government survey published this week. National happiness is at 77% which is a small rise from the previous year. Some have suggested that we're somehow still drunk from the Olympics and the Diamond Jubilee and that when we wake up everyday, we just reminisce about Super Saturday and Prince Phillip's pneumonia battle watching that shit regatta on the Thames.

So if you don't believe in the above, then what else is the cause for our glee? The robots fighting monsters flick Pacific Rim came out last week and coincidentally is scoring a 7.7/10 on IMDB. Could the survey have been mistakenly held near a local Odeon and had simply caught all of the recent cinema goers? Probably not. Emeli Sande has been moderately quiet since the Olympics. That's enough to make anyone ecstatic but she's got a new video out this week so it can't be that. Maybe it's simply down to one thing....life is good at the moment. But would you give your life a 7/10? I wouldn't. Yes I have a lovely home that's filled with modern facilities, a wife, daughter and a toastie maker but the coalition didn't give me any of that. I have a job that's considerably underpaid and one that lives in a challenging industry that's competing with the likes of Amazon who pay no corporation tax. What about the constant cuts to council budgets that will soon see us lose our culture, playing fields and police officers?

What the survey doesn't tell us is maybe the most important details....when and where? If I wanted to 'juke' the stats of this particular questionnaire, I'd only ask at a certain time of day. If it were London, I'd ask on a Friday at 5.01pm in a beer garden. If it were Bradford, it would be outside the benefit office when someone has just been handed a cheque for applying for 2.5 jobs. But seriously, the timing of the survey is important especially if they asked the public on the weekend. Obviously nearly all of us would prefer to be off work during weekends but we can't have everything. Did you know a massive 27% of working Britain work Sundays compared to 15% of the rest of the EU? Deducting 27 from 100 leaves 73 which is mightily close to the 77% figure. Surely the government rang the middle class on the sly on Sunday afternoon whilst us minions were working for 'the man' thereby giving themselves the best chance of happiness? Especially if they rang between Sunday Brunch and Channel 5's Sunday movie marathon as no one can resist the charm of Simon Rimmer and Flight of the Navigator on the same afternoon?!

Overall I can't simply believe that such a high amount of people are 'that happy'. We're a nation a fucking moaning twats, me included. We watch depressing soaps such as Eastenders but have Ofcom on speed dial just in case Phil Mitchell shows the glimpse of a blood-soaked pube. We are convinced the countries is full of rapists, immigrants and nunchucks even though recorded crime is at a 20 year low. Music has never been more retarded thanks mostly to incomprehensible RnB filling the charts. Danny Dyer still finds work and Craig David is convinced he will still 'break America' simply because he has enough money to fly there. Freddo's cost....ya know I don't even know how much they cost anymore. The country's on its arse, how can anyone be happy?

Five ways to make Britain happier -

1. Dress down Fridays for everyone....even Pallbearers, Scallies and that security guard by the baskets in Primark.

2. The ability to safely turn left on a red light.

3. Hand drawn Disney films.

4. Ban the production of sad looking dogs made out of sand in City Centres.

5. Limit the National Lottery show to 10 minutes and 2 draws.

See? Aren't you happier in a world that doesn't feature Sand-Dogs? So to summarise, that survey is a load of me arse? I leave you with this.

Scouting for Girls have released a Greatest Hits album? Still 77% happy?

Adam Yates

#10 Optimus Prime Minister... (Part 2)

My post last week prompted mild discussion which was enjoyable considering it was just my 5 ideas to fix Broken Britain. Click here to remind yourselves of them if you wish.

As I said, it all came about because of an inspiring West Wing episode where Toby attempted to save Social Security for the future regardless of who eventually took credit for it.

So lets crack on with part 2 - again these are policies that I know would be tough and maybe not popular right now but they are the best for the future. 

As ole Dumbledore once said "Sometimes you have to choose what is right over what is easy."

6. Mandatory inflation rise in wages under 20k a year.

For myself and probably many others, you'd think that the longer you stay in a job you more you earn. This may be because of company annual rises, bonuses or promotion. However most employees under this 20k bracket find themselves getting paid the same, which in reality means less due to inflation and following on from that, increases in utility bills. We (and by that I mean I also as I fall in this bracket) should not fall further down the pecking order simply for being loyal to my company. Therefore the government would enforce a levy to businesses to endure that the lower paid part of their workforce (which also means the most vital and important) are kept above water by increases based on inflation. The money lost by businesses would simply be recouped by less wastage or not rewarding failing bosses and their leaving benefits. This however would not fully pay for this scheme and perhaps the government could help subsidise it but if it means companies lose 1% of their profits then so be it.

7. Life in prison means just that.

This is one I can't believe has not been inplemented yet as I can't see who is defending criminals. Yes people make mistakes and there is plenty of room for second chances but not when it comes to rape, murder and armed offences where there is no room for debate. Why should I potentially miss out on anything from a job or a seat on a bus because some murderer is free to live his life? Will this crowd prisons? Of course, so make more. Really why can't we? What's the worst that could happen? We employ builders to build them and employ officers to man them? There's jobs and investment right there. And the money needed to pay for the extra prisons? Check out no 8.

Too many times have I also heard about some prisoners having more TV channels than I have. No wonder they reoffend. It's a free hotel. So get them working and get them learning. I know this already happens in all prisons but I doubt that its mandatory to take gcse's and degrees. Recently a Prison Officer who wishes to remain anonymous was adamant that the prisoners of today have more human rights given to them than law abiding citizens. Basically I feel that if you have committed a crime then you lose a lot of human rights that you'd enjoy as a free man/woman. Personally I'd reintroduce the death penalty but that'll never happen. There's more chance that Andy Murray will win Wimb....oh.

8. Significantly cut our defence systems

£29.1bn.

That's how much it cost our nation to utilise our defences. But not the whole army and weapons, only one part of it. That whole amount was all spent or is being spent on one-time use military weapons. One time being the term for something we can't use again, for example nuclear bombs, missiles and other equipment such as disposable BBQ's for that one day of summer.

I completely agree there should be a military presence and a strong one at that but I can't understand how we're meant to deter countries with these particular weapons. If a country decided to bomb the UK it would be nearly demolished with one bomb, there would be nothing to fight for anyway even if one of our bombs were situated in a neighbouring country. Besides our allies have plenty between them to protect the world. All that money would solve most of our issues and be used for my other policies.

9. Increase Sports in schools

Never has there been a perfect moment to jump onto sports education. With the Olympics, Lions success and of course Murray Mania, kids are gagging to take part but can't. Broken glass is squatting in most of our public (concrete) tennis courts, drug youths have took refuge by basketball hoops in some homage to The Fresh Prince and swimming pools are getting more and more shallow. We may be enjoying some great sport these last two years but England needs to wake up and realise something....we're not winning most of it. McIlroy (Irish), Murray (Scottish), Lions (mostly Welsh), Bale (Welsh) and many more. So to combat this we need to seriously alter our approach to Sports Ed. Not only for sporting triumphs but for tackling obesity at a young age. Double the lessons, cover food science, lifestyle and schools should specialise in a sport that then compete with other specialist schools. The best moment of school for me was when I had lapped my rivals in a 400m indoor sprint. If I had been worked harder at my next race against the regions best. This may be a blog for the BBC Sports page and not in-between stops on the 52A bus.

10. Nationalise Pay Day Lending

As we have all maybe heard this week, Kerry Katona has been dropped as the whinging face of Cash Lady...due to financial troubles. That's like sacking Stacy Solomon from Iceland because her freezer is full. She's now THE perfect face for pay day lending. However the industry is a parasite feeding on opportunistic flesh and needs to be controlled but not like we control the banks (laughs) but by taking it over. The government becomes your pay day lender. Why not? They would be helping out their own voters with a low interest rate which in turn goes towards subsidising my earlier inflation wage increase therefore lowering the amount of people requiring handouts between payslips. The only loser in all this would be the Jeremy Kyle show which would lose half of its advertisers. Which is even more reason to do it!

Adam Yates