#15 MTV VMA WTF?

Last night I witnessed an event that I will never be able to forget. If aliens landed and suddenly decided to judge us by what we watch, they would have thought we were incomprehensible, half naked, egotistical morons, half of which needed sunglasses to be able to see indoors.

This event was, of course, the MTV Video Music Awards. It doesn't as much present awards to the best but rather to the 'artist' with fans who are willing to vote 73 times without blinking. It also serves as a sounding board for new releases by the worlds biggest strippers...I mean...pop stars. This year was no exception with the likes of Lady Gaggag, Kanye Northwest and Katherine Perry all vying for your attention using various methods. Lady Gaga opened the show by staring at us with egg white surrounding her face. I was simply watching the show but I felt like she was in the room with me, judging me for being too normal looking. She proceeded to produce rhythmic noise and change outfits periodically throughout. There was a big sign behind her which said 'applause' which is rumoured to be the name of the noise but could also be a reminder to the audience once it ends. Then the show sprinted through awards that had been handed out to non celeb, technical folk in a matter of seconds. Because we don't want to see people, we want freaks and boy did we see one next.

UK viewers could have known in advance what was about to appear as we had the broadcast a day later but those in the crowd were oblivious to the torture they were about to witness. A performance featuring man of the summer, Robin Thicke and former child talent turned slut, Miley Cyrus the Virus. She came out of a teddy bear and decided her best attribute was her irregularly sized tongue as she continuously protracted it out of her mouth every 4 seconds. She was apparently singing but my ears couldn't decipher the chords or lyrics. The drivel eventually stopped and out came Thicke who was about to get an inch thicker once he encountered Cyrus. His uber-hit Blurred Lines kicked in and Miley played along and danced promiscuously around her mate until she presented herself to him in the style of, what the kids call 'twerking' and promptly twerked her bottom inside Robin Thicke's crotch. It was sickening. There were little kids in that audience, 'lil Suzy, 'lil Bobby, 'lil Kim. The day after, a photo emerged of Will Smith and his kids looking positively shocked at what they were seeing, Jaden was beyond shock and he was in After Earth so he knows bad when he sees it. Miley eventually scuttled backstage either aware of the uproar that would follow or oblivious to her actions.

But alas the earth continued to rotate and the show went on.

The rest of the show consisted of various black people who I didn't recognise (no, they don't all look the same, I just don't know them) and attempted to be funny by saying "ass like a yam","damn girl" and doing some gang sign with their hands whenever they said more than 4 words. It kinda looks when you spill beer on your fingers and you need to flick it off. One Direction won some shit and talked some nonsense and that was pretty much it.

Justin Timberlake and Bruno Mars performed and won some awards. They actually contain some talent and was the only watchable part of the show. Katy Perry then closed the proceedings with a elaborate boxing ring set and a song we couldn't really hear very well due to her lack of skill when it comes to live gigs.

Is this what music is nowadays? How can MTV present awards for music when their main channel doesn't broadcast any? All they show now is two-worded reality experiments. Is it any wonder kids are getting dumber and hang around street corners more than ever before? It's because they can only learn speech from passers by and they then reteach it to their 'crew in form of chinese whispers.

Wanna see how bad music is at the moment? Go to channel 350 (or 310 if you're poor) and scroll through one at a time. This is the common result:

Unknown Rnb

Gaga

Unknown RnB

Advert

Nostalgic Tat

Old Rock chart

Rnb

Old Pop chart

Chart show

Chart show 

Scuzz?!

Chart Show

Advert

Advert

Beyonce

If you get to women's cricket you've gone too far.

#4 Breaking Bad Habits

I'll admit. I have a problem. When I like certain things whether it be a film, a TV show or a band, I'll try to share my find with others. Sometimes they will agree or sometimes they won't. My biggest victory was forcing 24 (see earlier post) onto my immediate family with resounding success then I shown it to my girlfriend, then the next one then the next one who I finally married.

My wife however is, how can I put his mildly, a bloody stubborn woman. Where many people would see past their own tastes to trust others she will not.

Firstly to watch a film we must eliminate certain possibilities.

"Does it have spiders or zombies?" 

"No Dear"

"Does it have dead dogs?"

"No I don't think Monsters Inc is marketed towards dead dog fans?"

"Does it have Tom Cruise in it because you know I hate Tom Cruise?"

"No"

"Ok let me read the synopsis"

Now some movies may not be able to be put simply into one paragraph so there's another 100 masterpieces dismissed because of Netflix's inability to sell Con Air.

So now we come to the latest Yates media conflict. I have been waiting a while to begin watching Breaking Bad. I had seen the first season a few years ago and whilst I weren't blown away, I have been promised by the Internet and by face to face beings that it has become one of the best things around.

So a few months back I put on the pilot again for the missus (and for me). My biggest mistake was that I didn't persist with the other episodes and now she is insisting that the pilot was boring and dull.

It's worth noting that here are a list of films that she found to be of similar excitement or at the very least alright and you will understand my frustration.

Die hard

Monsters inc (fell asleep)

Fight Club

Donnie Darko

The social network

Kick Ass

Inception

Wall e

Pulp Fiction

Heat

Obviously those reading this may agree with some of these as being overrated or dull but I'd hope that you found most of that list to be a enjoyable watching experience.

My other bit of major stubborn evidence is situated in the world of TV. I did a similar request with Modern Family (hearing great things) so we put it on. The show utilises the format of the characters sometimes talking to camera as if interviewed, which annoyed her majesty no end.

"Is it like this all the way through?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"I don't like it."

And that was the end of Modern Family.....or is it? I continued to watch the show, sometimes on my own, most times with the missus in the room and the strangest thing happened. She scoffed at a joke, then another. I then ONLY watching it in her presence and she quickly began to lose her inhibitions and her inaccurate first impression and we now watch the show on a weekly basis.

So why can't she apply that 'mistake' to breaking bad?

What I desperately need is for her to hear from her friends of the show's quality however I fear most of them are still sharing with anticipation of the prospect of The Big Reunion Season 2 to dabble in Emmy award winning drama.

Am I destined to watch genius television alone?

West Wing - Too political

Sopranos - never get past the synopsis

The Wire - the impossible sell

Breaking Bad - ???

I'm all too aware of the ultimately simple answer to this question. Different people like different things. But all I say to that is YEAH BUT THIS THING IS GOOOOD! Yes I found your romantic comedy which always ends in a social and public display of affection truly riveting. Yes I accept that so many dramatic deaths and accidents can happen in a fictional suburb of Chester. And Yes I enjoyed the episodic adventures of 6 young manhattan friends the first 74 times I saw it. But hey, here's an idea, lets watch something that's new.

***UPDATE*** We have since started BB and are currently 3 episodes in of a 4 episode commitment by the missus. Hopefully the agreement will be extended. 11/07/13

Adam Yates

#3 Twenty-Four Memories

Last week it was rumoured then semi confirmed that the hit TV show 24 will return for a one off run of episodes in the near future. For many people this is simply a bit of telly box news that they instantly discarded but for me it was like heaven on a sky box. There had been plans for a movie version of the programme but I'll happily take a dozen hours of the show over a 2 hour film.

For those that don't know, 24 is a big part of my life and whether you love it or hate it, I will try to give you an insight into my Jack Bauer obsessed life.

1. I first saw the trailer for the show on BBC 2 and to be honest I had no particular love for Kiefer Sutherland who was to the star. However the concept of the show (events in real time) captured my attention and I watched the first episode that Sunday back in 2001.

2. The ending of that episode was controversial as it featured a terrorist plane crash weeks after it happened for real on September 11.

3. My friend Dave, who also watched the show in its entirety and shared my obsession wasn't blown away by it at first. That came in the next episode, but I liked to remind him over the years that I saw its potential 40 mins earlier however juvenile that is.

4. It's worth knowing that this was before the Sky + generation and I have watched every episode (bar one when I went on holiday) live on TV and not recorded. These days I watch everything recorded even if its only an hour after.

5. When the first series ended, I was a fan for life! I bought the DVD boxset and rewatched it before the second series began. The second, again began on BBC 2, which would be the last season it aired on live free to air TV before moving to SKY.

6. By now I had started a trend I still maintain to this day. I had begun to show the series to anyone that would relent. First I hooked my parents, then my grandad and then my sister. Then people at work and finally my girlfriend. When we broke up, I shown it to my new girlfriend, then again, and then finally to my present one (although she'd prefer to be called my wife). It seemed for a while that once I had shown them 24, I broke up just so I could experience it again with a new lady. However that proved to be false but I hope they got something out of it.

7. After season three I had bought 3 boxsets. The first season that I then sold to get the 1/2 collection and then sold again to get the 1/2/3 collection. Some of these unwanted boxsets still sit in my dads house. The thing about the 1-3 boxset was that they were limited edition and numbered. I worked at Virgin Megastore at the time so I had the task of sifting through 100 boxsets looking for the lowest numbered collection. I finally succeeded with one that had 000025 which pleased me no end but I still wish it was one lower for obvious reasons.

8. The show had already took over my life. You could still email me at jackbaueruk2005@yahoo.co.uk if you wish but I probably deleted it. For years that was the email i have on my CV. No wonder I didn't get that Mi5 job.

9. Back in 2004 me and my fellow fan Dave, decided to watch 1-2 seasons of 24 in 48 hours. It was an epic weekend of poker, food, minimal sleep and Jack Bauer action. We always said we'd do it again one day but we never did and if we tried I don't think our wives and children would understand.

10. As the seasons rolled on it was easier to pick and choose your favourite ones. It was similar to the Star Trek system where the even numbered movies were considered the better attempts but in our case it was the odd numbered seasons (especially 1/3/5) that were the stand outs.

11. One of the great things about the show being on SKY were the billboards they made and I always loved seeing one for the first time. There was once one with Jack blindfolded and it looked so awesome I wanted to ask the billboard people if they would give it to me. 

12. When I shown my wife the entire run, she was unimpressed at first but then grew to love it as well. Her favourite character (aka hot one) was Tony Almeida. (Spoilers ahead until no 13) In the gigantic season 5, Tony was unceremoniously killed and Sarah looked at me and with a serious tone she said "I'm not watching anymore". It took a couple of days to convince her to watch as I already knew he would be back in season 7 but the damage had been done and she distrusted the show ever since.

13. As far as I can remember I have only seen 2 seasons with my wife live. That meant some concessions on her part. I ALWAYS had to have the lights off whilst watching it for the first time and back in the day, delivery or oven pizza was mostly on the menu (delivery especially if it was a finale episode). Also silence was part of the menu apart from gasps of glee.

14. Despite our love of the show, me and Dave only saw a few episodes live in the same room. Sometimes I would finish work and go to his to play (lose) Fifa or win the odd match up on the sublime Fight Night. The odd episode we did watch were fun as the smallest details that Jack Bauer performed resulted in screams of coolness. I remember at the end of the fifth season (I think), Jack simply reloaded a gun a certain way and we rewound the SKY + five times to see it again.

15. When the show ended, a hole was there to be plugged. The only show that has come close with similar twists and shocks is Dexter and I urge anyone to give it a go. Other notable mentions are The Shield and Jericho.

16. Most people know that I have a tattoo dedicated to 24. Roman numerals in case I have to reinterpret my story for work or religious reasons (it's how much I love god! You never know when a tattoo might get you out of trouble).

17. For all the love I have for this show, at the present time I have NO DVDs of this left. I sold them all to make way for the last collection (currently £49) but with the new season I may as well wait and do it all again.

18. Various other bits I have of the show... A couple of unopened Jack figurines (one busting down a door), some fake CTU badges, some episode guides, a bag that i convinced myself was something Jack would have wore.

19. Like many people back in the day, I had the ringtone on my phone. Not the theme to the show but how the phones in CTU sounded. Only fans will get what I mean but I promise you that you have heard it many a time.

20. I make an effort not to read any spoilers for the show and I have never done so. I also make a note to 'watch dumb' in that I watch the show not trying to guess the killer, mole or ending so that I am always pleasantly surprised.

21. One thing people hate about 24 is the adverts. That's why so many people watch it on DVD. But I say two things, one is that the best thing is seeing something great happen and waiting a whole week to see what happens next. And two as its in real time, whilst the adverts come on, jack is still there but he's simply having a piss or a bite to eat. So don't rush him by fast forwarding, give him a chance to rest!

22. 24 was one of the first shows that started the trend of casting movie stars in a television programme. Nowadays it's seen as the better medium in some respects and everyone does it but it all stated with Kiefer. Examples - Kevin Bacon (The Following), Glenn Close (Damages).

23. This reason can be given to the best twist in the shows history and it happened on the 23rd episode of season one. Those who watch should already know what I mean but when that happened I shouted at the TV in my room and it was all over the papers the next day. I waited seven days to see the final episode, it felt like seventy.

24. Ahhhh...the end. But there's gonna be more. Sooooo happy.

Adam Yates