Revealed - Sepp Blatter's Diary

The following may or may not be excerpts from the diary of FIFA kingpin Sepp Blatter in the week that shocked world football.

Tuesday 26th May - Tough day. Putting the finishing touches to our annual Zurich conference. Had a good dinner with Jack and Eugenio where we discussed business and our favourite Swiss bank foyers. Had a glass of wine before heading upstairs where I opened yet another present from my new Qatari friends. I get into my silk jim jams and get a rare early night.

Wednesday 27th May - I've had better wake up calls it must be said. I had planned on having a lie in but I heard an almighty ruckus outside my room. I poked my head outside to see what all the fuss was. I saw several American lawmen handcuffing my boys and throwing linen sheets on their heads. They don't deserve to be treated like that. One of the men walked over to me and asked my name to which I responded "Sir, I am the great French actor Gerald Depardieu, kindly remove your extradition order from my gorgeous face." He puffed his cheeks and walked away. I shut my hotel room door and hid under the bed until 1pm. I recited a statement while I was under there and emailed it to my spokesman, Walter De Gregorio. I told him to tell the truth...that we welcome any investigation and that we are an esteemed and moral organisation that focuses on the passion of football and not our own interests. I then had a shower, purchased Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 5 off the iTunes using my FIFA Platinum credit card. Those strange ladymen don't get abused the way I do. They should spend a day in my shoes but I assume they would prefer heels. Hahaha! I'm going to use that one tomorrow in the press conference.

Thursday 28th May - I was supposed to be attending a medical meeting in the morning but I backed out so they could get on with business. Instead I read the papers and saw that everyone was calling me nasty names. That made me angry so I got dressed and decided that I would make an apprarance. I went in the side entrance as there were too many supporters at the front that wanted to cheer me inside. The conference itself was quite boring, I played Angry Birds through most of it. People still play that don't they?

Friday 29th May - Today's the day of the presidential vote. I make my calls to the various organisations stating why they should believe in me and my principles. A lot of them seemed scared of what I would do to them if they voted for Prince Ali. I told them they are free to vote for whomever they want. I made a note of those scared countries just in case. I make my way to the conference and give a rousing speech. The votes are cast and I win the first round but not by enough to win outright. I speak with Prince Ali and offer him a chance to leave with dignity which he accepts. Ali stands down as a nominee. I WON! I can't believe it! I get applauded on stage by my friends and recite an old speech I gave last time. What a day! I'm so happy.

Saturday 30th May - Massive Hangover. I eventually get up at 3pm for a meeting with some of the participants in this Summer's Women's World Cup. They are very pretty and have nice bottoms. I don't tell them that but I sneak a peek as they sign a football that will get auctioned off for charity.

Sunday 31st May - David Gill rang me today to say that he's resigning as Vice President. These Brits are so dramatic, anything that doesn't go their way, they get their knickers in a twist. He can leave for all I care. He threatens that he will try to get UEFA to boycott any future World Cups but I don't believe him. UEFA is like Diet Coke...it's full of goodness, causes weight loss but ultimately you just wish you had the real thing.

Monday 1st June - The media don't seem to have found anything to talk about apart from the corruption nonsense. It's exhausting. Why can't they all just go away. They seem to be whispering about a $10 million payment that Jérôme Valcke authorised and a potential bribe scandal but I don't see the connection. He simply accepted money in return for a favour. The sponsors of our tournaments are getting upset. I don’t understand why though as they slide envelopes under my hotel room door most days, some of which have money in them which is strange as it’s not my birthday. I keep the money anyway. It’s always handy to have in case I get stopped in the street by one of those guys asking me to help the homeless.

Tuesday 2nd June - Woke up quite tired today. All this extradition mumbo jumbo is rather irritating. I've been the boss of football for over twenty years now and maybe it's time for someone else to realise what a ball ache it is. Besides I can still give my opinions and I'm sure I would be welcome in any future conferences. I've given all my time and energy to this job and now I should concentrate on me. I haven't even seen Mad Max Fury Road yet for Christs sake! Some of my accused colleagues have been assured by the F.B.I that they will show it on the flight to the U.S.

#19 First World (Cup) Problems

To many of you this will sound sad and pathetic but I'm about to take two weeks off. As a husband, this would normally mean a mixture of manly garden work and filing my tax returns. As a father this may mean taking my daughter to the zoo or making a three course meal out of playdoh. But as a man in June 2014, this means the FIFA World Cup.

Yes, I have took paid time off work to watch countless hours of men kicking the living shit out of a hyper aerodynamic ball which was probably made in a Somalian sweatshop and claims to be 58% more bally than the last one. I love a good sporting event and I've cut back on watching sports that I used to watch simply because they were sport. So when a football tournament comes around every two years, I'm there with fucking bells on. Thankfully, England are still in the running to win but that's simply because they haven't played yet. My expectations for England are so low that I think I can deal with their misery a lot better this time around.

If you watch a soap, then you probably hate the World Cup as your daily gaze into the lives of fictional alcoholic, adulterous adults will be either delayed or played at an awkward time. To be honest, I didnt even NEED to take time off as all the games start in the evening, I just wanted to feel involved. And boy have I got involved. I've watched all the shit prep programmes on Dave and BBC Three detailing all the misery surrounding past England squads. I've started a sweepstake in work and manhandled colleagues into paying into my fantasy. I've even paid good money into purchasing a Panini sticker album but I swear I know at least two other adults (men-children) who have also stopped to this level of mid life crises.

Next up, I'm preparing which nights to go the the pub. This involves multiple counts of decision making. Who do I go with to which game? Who will actually WANT to go with me to which game? Where do we go to watch it? And last but not least, which battles do I choose at home when I say "hello darling, just to let you know, you're going to be looking after our child by yourself for two to three nights a week." This means balancing the scale mightily with extra chores such as night/morning baby duty, cleaning up the house and countless back and foot rubs.

As much as I'm looking forward to this years offering, several disappointments could make this an anti-climatic fortnight. Where's the cheesy World Cup song from Ed Sherran feat. PitBull and Will I Am? Where's the England flag waving from the white van man? Where's the amazing Nike advert? Plus where is the belief from the England team that they can actually compete? They look scared and void of ideas. When England cease to be involved, my excitement wanes and my anticipation for the quarter final matchup of Ghana and Portugal will be at an all time low.

But that's the magic of the World Cup whether you're a seasoned pro like Lineker or a sweaty rascal like Chiles. It's what you make of it and I intend to do just that.

Adam Yates