Premier League Goes Bare!

The Premier League announced today that England's top division will be sponsorless after its current deal with Barclays concludes next season. From 2016/17, The Premier League will be the official title of the top flight, the first time it has been without a sponsor since its inaugural season back in 1992.

Sources suggest it's a strategic move to create a 'clean brand' in line with most U.S. sporting organisations such as the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball however it will still pinch the financial pocket. The last deal made with Barclays resulted in a £120 million windfall for the Premier League and it's uncertain whether this is a permanent move or simply a temporary one until a suitable and respected brand can be negotiated with.

With that in mind, here are five potential sponsors that would jump at the chance at being the masthead to the world's most watched football league.

Sports Direct Premier League

Funded by a £200 million loan paid through Rangers PLC, Sports Direct founder Mike Ashley would take the Premiership to another level. Match day mascots would be replaced by zero hour Sports Direct staff who are available at an hours notice. 

FIFA Premiership

The one thing FIFA needs right now is positive press and getting behind the world's greatest league is a plum move.

Of course there would be some requirements that are non-negotiable.

All newly promoted teams would play their home games in Dubai to expand the worldwide market, all disciplinary hearings would be resolved between 12-18 months and any side that commits a handball must pay £5 million euros to the opposing team to avoid future legal ramifications.

The ITVBe Premmie

The recently launched ITV spinoff channel has not reached the echelons of success since its birth in October 2014. A lucrative sponsorship deal would be a potential goldmine for ITV and also tap into a new market of football fans to its existing and predominantly female audience. Of course the Saturday night highlights programme da' Premmie would be removed from the safe hands of the BBC and placed on the ITVBe channel at the earlier time of 5.15pm presented by Christine Bleakley and Joey Essex. The programme will be followed by the spin off show More of da' Premmie where instead of the actual games, the fly on the wall show focusses on the viewers of the earlier Premmie show and the everyday conflicts that occur. Think Gogglebox but not Gogglebox for legal reasons.

Disney League Soccer

The quickest and boldest revamp in the leagues history sees a major rebranding campaign as the Premier League becomes the DLS, all teams are assigned an official Disney Mascot and nickname. All team specific sponsorship deals involving alcohol are banned as is spitting, one footed tackles, bad or moderate language and chewing gum. However ticket prices are lowered, younger fans are encouraged and the football itself is resized appropriately.

Steven Gerrard in a Nutshell

I find footballers to be arrogant Knob-Jockeys who are only concerned with bedding luscious babes and endorsing deodorant. Footballers should be hardworking professionals who don't get in trouble and just play for their local club. If they did that, I would stand up and applaud until I get distracted by something else.

It's funny you should say that.

It's not that funny, I get distracted easily. I have a condition.

If you should feel the need to stand up for such a professional, Steven Gerrard may be that man. He has played over 700 games over 17 years for his boyhood club, Liverpool FC. He has also captained his country and tomorrow he shall be playing his last game in the Premier League as he begins a new chapter in America.

A new chapter in America? I've heard that one before. Cheryl Fernando Vasaline buggered off and came back because no one knew what the fuck she was saying. Although I'm sure Steven won't have that problem. So what phallic shaped trophies has he won then?

God, the question should be what HASN'T he won?

The Premier League?

He hasn't won the Premier League.

Oh. Well that's pretty shit isn't it?

Well he's freely admitted that not winning the league is a massive regret. But he's won everything else.

The World Cup?

No, not that one either.

Johnson's Paint Trophy?

Nope.

Hmmm. Even I won that with Man United. Granted it was on Champ Manager 97/98 but still. Maybe he should just play on that.

Ok, I'll rephrase, he's won a lot. The FA Cup twice, the League Cup three times, the UEFA Cup and most importantly, the UEFA Champions League.

Is that why Coronation Street isn't on at 7.30pm every two weeks? Fuck that and a bunch of grapes! The adverts are even worse. I'm not mature enough to own a MasterCard, Heineken gives me gas and I don't even know what a Gazprom is. It's probably drugs.

It's a oil company.

So I can't even buy the thing that they're advertising, unless I want to buy some to drown myself in?

It is what it is but anyway. Liverpool were 3-0 behind at half time in the 2005 Champions League final against AC Milan but a resurgent Liverpool came back and won it on penalties. It was undoubtedly Gerrard's crowning achievement.

Ok, I get it, he's a proper ledge with rock hard balls. That must mean he goes out on the razz and get papped outside bars with ladyfolk of the night?

No he's been married for 8 years and has  three daughters.

Well...there must be some dirt on him. Unpaid speeding tickets? Taylor Swift fan? Pulled pork addiction?

Nothing really. That's why fans of any club, whether they support Liverpool or not, have a certain level of mutual respect for him. Stevie G will certainly be missed for his professionalism and his skills on the pitch.

Aside from his one hit wonder 90's pop sounding nickname, you have convinced me. He makes me want to be a better man. For years I've been too afraid to follow my dreams but it's never too late. I'm going to leave my wife and three kids, my well paid consultancy job, buy some office space and play Champ Manager 97/98 full time. I'll wear a gilet, wave my arms around and shout at people on the street. Thank you for teaching me about this wonderful specimen of a man.

Good luck!

#19 First World (Cup) Problems

To many of you this will sound sad and pathetic but I'm about to take two weeks off. As a husband, this would normally mean a mixture of manly garden work and filing my tax returns. As a father this may mean taking my daughter to the zoo or making a three course meal out of playdoh. But as a man in June 2014, this means the FIFA World Cup.

Yes, I have took paid time off work to watch countless hours of men kicking the living shit out of a hyper aerodynamic ball which was probably made in a Somalian sweatshop and claims to be 58% more bally than the last one. I love a good sporting event and I've cut back on watching sports that I used to watch simply because they were sport. So when a football tournament comes around every two years, I'm there with fucking bells on. Thankfully, England are still in the running to win but that's simply because they haven't played yet. My expectations for England are so low that I think I can deal with their misery a lot better this time around.

If you watch a soap, then you probably hate the World Cup as your daily gaze into the lives of fictional alcoholic, adulterous adults will be either delayed or played at an awkward time. To be honest, I didnt even NEED to take time off as all the games start in the evening, I just wanted to feel involved. And boy have I got involved. I've watched all the shit prep programmes on Dave and BBC Three detailing all the misery surrounding past England squads. I've started a sweepstake in work and manhandled colleagues into paying into my fantasy. I've even paid good money into purchasing a Panini sticker album but I swear I know at least two other adults (men-children) who have also stopped to this level of mid life crises.

Next up, I'm preparing which nights to go the the pub. This involves multiple counts of decision making. Who do I go with to which game? Who will actually WANT to go with me to which game? Where do we go to watch it? And last but not least, which battles do I choose at home when I say "hello darling, just to let you know, you're going to be looking after our child by yourself for two to three nights a week." This means balancing the scale mightily with extra chores such as night/morning baby duty, cleaning up the house and countless back and foot rubs.

As much as I'm looking forward to this years offering, several disappointments could make this an anti-climatic fortnight. Where's the cheesy World Cup song from Ed Sherran feat. PitBull and Will I Am? Where's the England flag waving from the white van man? Where's the amazing Nike advert? Plus where is the belief from the England team that they can actually compete? They look scared and void of ideas. When England cease to be involved, my excitement wanes and my anticipation for the quarter final matchup of Ghana and Portugal will be at an all time low.

But that's the magic of the World Cup whether you're a seasoned pro like Lineker or a sweaty rascal like Chiles. It's what you make of it and I intend to do just that.

Adam Yates