Thursday, 29 October 2015

Films of 2015 - The Worst

These are the 5 films of 2015 that burnt my retinas, burst my eardrums and soiled my mind-grapes. These should be avoided at all costs for risk of death.

In no particular order...

1. Terminator Genesis, Genysys, Gen... Terminator - fuck the future!

In a year where the geek world reminisced about Back to the Future and the way they have managed to keep their legacy untainted, Arnold seems intent on crapping an Austrian Oak all over his once beloved franchise. The last two attempts (Rise of the Machines and Salvation) didn't do the brand any favours but at least the big picture was  still present. Genisys has decided to basically press the reboot button with the end of a cinematic pencil. I could go on but this movie doesn't deserve it. If you loved T1/T2, you probably have already seen Genisys and realised this for yourself but if for any reason you haven't. Don't. Like a gory car crash, you may simply HAVE to watch it but I will save you the trouble. No one dies! 

2. True Story

Beyond dull.
True life story about a child killer and a disgraced journalist. Because both Franco and Hill are playing against type naturally means we're programmed to believe that their performances are amazing. But I was utterly bored out my head. True story.

3. Fantastic Four

What the serious fuck!?
A friend of mine tried to suggest to me that this is a alright film. Believe me, it isn't. I'll accept that adapting this comic book is difficult in itself. We all flock to dark broody comic book movies and fantastic four is generally more jolly and colourful. With that in mind, director Josh Trank opted to follow the dark knight and the man of steel down to their level. The issues are countless but one is that these four characters are meant to be an escape from the darkness of other stories.
The other issues with the film are pretty inexcusable. Bear in mind I have no issue ruining the plot here because the plot is thin as balls. The 'fantastic four' don't become fantastic until the 53rd minute of the film....53rd! The film is around 90mins long. So that leaves 37 minutes to recover, sulk, experiment and finally save the world. Remember that bit from the trailer where they drop The Thing from a plane? You don't see that because ITS NOT IN THE FUCKING MOVIE! I'm done.

4. Get Hard

A lot of critics commented that Get Hard is borderline racist. I disagree with that. It's definitely racist. I have no issue with comedy poking fun at anyone but the film has to be funny to get away with it. This is the usual Farrell in his late 40's just blabbing out random lines as if that's the new level of comedy. All the usual comedy beats are in there, you see the ending a mile away.

5. Tak3n 

The first film was good. It shouldn't have been, but it was. It even invented a genre (Geri-action) recently replicated by Kevin Costner (Three days to Kill) and Sean Penn (The Gunman). Taken 2 had its moments but the signs of greed were there and Taken 3 took the biscuit. The fun of the original was essentially Mills finding loved ones in Europe but the third instalment brought Neeson to L.A and made it just another action noise fest. Do you know when interviewers ask stars "if there's gonna be a sequel" and the star says "The script would have to be good." Then they come on the same show a year later and the interviewer says "what made you come back to...." and the star says "well the script was fantastic." They're lying shits.

Next week - The films that narrowly missed out on my Top Ten of 2015.

Adam Yates