Steven Gerrard in a Nutshell

I find footballers to be arrogant Knob-Jockeys who are only concerned with bedding luscious babes and endorsing deodorant. Footballers should be hardworking professionals who don't get in trouble and just play for their local club. If they did that, I would stand up and applaud until I get distracted by something else.

It's funny you should say that.

It's not that funny, I get distracted easily. I have a condition.

If you should feel the need to stand up for such a professional, Steven Gerrard may be that man. He has played over 700 games over 17 years for his boyhood club, Liverpool FC. He has also captained his country and tomorrow he shall be playing his last game in the Premier League as he begins a new chapter in America.

A new chapter in America? I've heard that one before. Cheryl Fernando Vasaline buggered off and came back because no one knew what the fuck she was saying. Although I'm sure Steven won't have that problem. So what phallic shaped trophies has he won then?

God, the question should be what HASN'T he won?

The Premier League?

He hasn't won the Premier League.

Oh. Well that's pretty shit isn't it?

Well he's freely admitted that not winning the league is a massive regret. But he's won everything else.

The World Cup?

No, not that one either.

Johnson's Paint Trophy?

Nope.

Hmmm. Even I won that with Man United. Granted it was on Champ Manager 97/98 but still. Maybe he should just play on that.

Ok, I'll rephrase, he's won a lot. The FA Cup twice, the League Cup three times, the UEFA Cup and most importantly, the UEFA Champions League.

Is that why Coronation Street isn't on at 7.30pm every two weeks? Fuck that and a bunch of grapes! The adverts are even worse. I'm not mature enough to own a MasterCard, Heineken gives me gas and I don't even know what a Gazprom is. It's probably drugs.

It's a oil company.

So I can't even buy the thing that they're advertising, unless I want to buy some to drown myself in?

It is what it is but anyway. Liverpool were 3-0 behind at half time in the 2005 Champions League final against AC Milan but a resurgent Liverpool came back and won it on penalties. It was undoubtedly Gerrard's crowning achievement.

Ok, I get it, he's a proper ledge with rock hard balls. That must mean he goes out on the razz and get papped outside bars with ladyfolk of the night?

No he's been married for 8 years and has  three daughters.

Well...there must be some dirt on him. Unpaid speeding tickets? Taylor Swift fan? Pulled pork addiction?

Nothing really. That's why fans of any club, whether they support Liverpool or not, have a certain level of mutual respect for him. Stevie G will certainly be missed for his professionalism and his skills on the pitch.

Aside from his one hit wonder 90's pop sounding nickname, you have convinced me. He makes me want to be a better man. For years I've been too afraid to follow my dreams but it's never too late. I'm going to leave my wife and three kids, my well paid consultancy job, buy some office space and play Champ Manager 97/98 full time. I'll wear a gilet, wave my arms around and shout at people on the street. Thank you for teaching me about this wonderful specimen of a man.

Good luck!