Saturday, 19 November 2016

Films of 2016 - Worst of 2016

The worst of 2016

As ever I compile an annual yearly list of what I saw cinematically and some seem to find my opinion interesting/funny/curious/irritating/ (delete as appropriate). 

So to set us off in the traditional manner are my WORST movies of 2016. These should not be viewed at any kind of entertainment venue and should only be seen as some kind of seminar entitled 'Shit Movies Make You Lol.'

In no particular order...


Most of us can appreciate the beauty of Jason Statham and the physical honesty he brings whereas others (see Vin Diesel) have to depend on crafty editing and cgi to get them faux respect. But times have been hard on The Stath since The Expendables got their free bus passes and historians may see this film as the fall from grace into soon to be Direct to DVD sequels to Parker, Crank and other middling efforts.

Jessica Alba, who stars as his 'piece of ass' is an empty vessel only there to give him purpose and although she's never been Meryl Streep, the makers could of given her character more bite. The Euro-villain is lightweight, hiding behind the stereotypical more sturdy head henchman and the set pieces are not even worth keeping your eyes open for. 


A sequel to a film which barely broke even. Luckily they struck while the iron was hot and rushed out a sequel as fast as they noticed the cult following it found on home viewing. That should have been the end of the story but the 'rushed sequel' never happened, only a rushed botch job FIFTEEN YEARS LATER!? How can you mess up a sequel that you've had 15 years to polish? I'm shit at polishing but if I did it for 15 years, whatever bollocks I was polishing would be boss! Anyway, Zoolander imo never made me laugh hysterically but just a decent chuckle and a smile every 10 minutes or so. This time around they seem to have found every irritating model/popstar around and asked for a cameo. Last time, David Bowie, this time, Justin Bieber. It's not funny, its boring, it's complicated which is hard for a film about dumb models and the little respect I had for Ben Stiller following 'Walter Mitty' evaporated before my very eyes. 


Things are looking good, Ryan Reynolds is in it. Tommy Lee Jones, Gal Gadot, Gary Oldman, Kevin Costn....oh.

Kevin Costner entered the 'Geriaction' phase of his career last year with Three Days to Kill and it wasn't too bad, Criminal is bad. Mind swapping set against a London backdrop where an overturned police car is our level of jaw dropping spectacle. The plot goes so far up it's own arse, it just boils down to Costner growling and punching anyone he meets. 

The only criminal is the writer who gave an amazing cast nothing important to do or say.


If you haven't heard of this, I wouldn't be surprised. It stars yet another Geriaction star in Bruce Willis. Centered around some bank heists, the suspicion is focused on the Bank's owner, Mr Beardy Willis who decides to say his lines as slowly and quietly as possible as if he has a bad hangover. Willis doesn't get a white vest on or even drive a car into a helicopter, he just stands around waiting for someone to get him some pudding.


Independence Day : Resurgence 

The second film on the list who should have brought out a sequel straight away. The first film was solid if not cheesy as balls and they had created a star in Will Smith. So what do they do? Wait too long until Willie becomes Big Willie (oooohh) and becomes too big to fit through the door of the studio. So they go ahead with a sequel, explaining his character away in 30 secs and basically do the same film again but with a MASSIVE alien ship. We still have cocky fighter pilots, still have stupid politicians and still have crazy old fools, they all just switched roles.