Films of 2017 - Honourable Mentions

- STOP THE PRESS - Currently I’m halfway through Kingsman - The Golden Circle and unless it suddenly reaches out of the television and hands me everlasting life and every back issue of the Beano will go down as the most disappointing film of the year. It’s not 1* bad on its own terms but compared to its predecessor it most certainly will disappoint any logical person. The charm has all but gone, the plot has become beyond ludicrous (robot dogs!?) and the jokes are practically nonexistent. Seeing as it was made by the exact same cast and crew as last time baffles me that it could go this wrong.

The following movies came close to making my best of ‘17 but just couldn’t break the top 10. All of these are really good 4* films and should be viewed by everyone.

Colossal

It’s great to watch a hidden gem as I call them and have no clue as to the story or even the general jist of the genre. I had heard Anne Hathaway lavish praise during a podcast interview she was on a few months ago and luckily for me, I had forgotten how she described the film as I do often do.

A few reviewers have likened Colossal to a marmite movie and I can see what they mean. There is a certain sense of disbelief you have to have watching this and if you find yourself scoffing halfway through, the second half isn’t going to pull you back but if you can switch off and take it for what it is, it’s splendid. Whilst there is action in it which can rival superhero films, there is also suspense involving a simple footstep. Put it this way...you’ll never look at a playground the same way again. Trust me. 

Spider-Man Homecoming 

Somehow I managed to find the worst poster in existence but of the Marvel films this year, this felt like the closest to the comics themselves. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, the hero is still innocent enjoying his new found skills and romance is not the be all end all. 

The newly agreed Marvel-Sony co-production means that Spidey can now interact with his fellow superheroes and Tony Stark as his mentor and guide is a natural fit post Civil War and beyond. 

We all felt we had it so good with Tobey Maguire until he started dancing and harassing women in bars with his black hair. Then we had Andrew Garfield who wasn’t too bad but got landed with dodgy villains and rebootitis. We always say this but it feels right this time. Tom Holland embodies petty mischief, loyalty and a childhood that is yet to be extinguished by great responsibility via great power. 

It’s not all roses. The MCU is forced in fairly heavily in parts (a list of items on the Stark jet is unnecessary) and the last action set piece was hardly a thrill ride especially seeing as we saw a lot of it in the final trailer. Arguably, it’s Holland’s scenes as schoolboy Peter Parker who steals the show rather than his web slinging alter ego. 

The Big Sick

Arguably the only “Rom-Com” on my recommend list this year although when you think about it, there wasn’t much in that genre to speak of this year (can you think of one?) so maybe this is why The Big Sick resonated with moviegoers. It took film festivals by storm and the independent movie got very respectable box office numbers due to its authentic story wth characters we can believe actually exist in the real world. Probably helped by the fact that it’s based on true events with Kumail Nanjiani playing himself and Zoe Kazan playing his on off girlfriend. 

Worth seeing alone for what in my opinion contains one of the best jokes/one liner this year in reference to September 11th. Again, trust me. 

Wonder Woman

Much has been written about how it empowers women and how it has given a shot in the arm to Hollywood and the mostly male power players. That’s very likely true but for me, it was just a bloody good film and that’s why it resonated so well with the public. It wasn’t bogged down in Extended Universe business, it had heart, soul, humour, solid set pieces and a charming lead character. The third act in my opinion became a bit too explodey (technical term) but nearly every superhero film is guilty of that.

It’s worth pointing out that although Batman V Superman : Dawn of Justice is utter shite, it does have some redeeming qualities, one of which was casting the perfect Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot. So in a way, Ben Affleck saved cinema and equality, right?

Okja

Director Boon Joon-Ho made my list way back when with Snowpiercer (which to my knowledge has yet to have been released in the UK despite being made nearly 5 years ago). Okja doesn’t make the top 10 but is certainly original with themes of greed, capitalism and animal cruelty concerning an animal which looks mostly pig 🐽 but crossed with a hippo. Sounds shit but I assure you shit it ain’t. Co-written by author/podcaster Jon Ronson and starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Tilda Swinton and Paul Dano (my official spirit animal) this is extremely likeable, insane and sad in equal measure.

Films of 2017 - The Worst of 2017

And so it begins...with two kids to look after, not to mention a wife, who for some reason wants constant attention as if I’m bound by law to tend to, I’ve struggles to get to the cinema as much as I’d like. However I’ve been flying through the internet to catch up in the autumn and I gave myself a self inflicting book ban so that I saw as many films as possible. A few in the top 10 are thanks to this method.

But as ever to get to the top, we need to start at the bottom.

Out of every gorgeous baby comes human shit and Hollywood is no different. 2017 has been a vintage year for unoriginality and unspeakable horror. But enough about Love Island, here is my opinion on what was cinematically god awful in 2017.

As ever please note that I am not Mark Kermode or any other film critic and as you should already know that by my grammar and simple language, it means that I have not seen every film that came out so if you think one you love or hate is missing, let me know and I’ll tell you if I saw it.

TRANSFORMERS : THE LAST KNIGHT

After the Shia era ended, I vowed not to spend any more hard earned money seeing Transformer films at the cinema. I’ve kept that promise over two god awful Marky-Mark starring robot porn extravaganzas. This is officially the worst film I’ve seen this year. As usual it’s running time is 2 and a half hours long which means it could have been a much better movie if they shaved off about 2 and a half hours off the final cut. Where to start? There’s the usual obligatory water thin attempt of a female character, a few dozen annoying robots, some of whom we’re meant to remember the names of from other films. Some are fat (HOW!?). There’s a small role for Tony Hale (Arrested Development/Veep) that will be studied for decades to come as an example of money grab acting. Carson from Downton Abbey play Carson but as as robot and has significant screen time. Really!

RINGS

Unnecessary reboot of the J-Horror reboot franchise. The original Americanised version back in 2002 was solid but now they’re fucking with the mythology so much, the ‘tape’ is no longer a tape, it’s a fucking mp4 file that they drag and drop to copy. There are so many good horror films that came out this year, this is not one of them. Ctrl / alt / delete log out of all future attempts. 

TABLE 19

The classic dilemma of a film that doesn’t know  what it wants to be. A romantic comedy? Well it’s not romantic that’s for sure. An indie comedy? Perhaps but it’s not laugh out loud funny. A drama? Can’t be because they’re trying (not very hard) to be funny and romantic. The only saving grace is Anna Kendrick who can do no wrong in my eyes. 

6 DAYS

A Netflix original flick based on the Iranian Embassy terrorist siege in London that resulted in an ambitious SAS infiltration mission that was seen live on TV around the globe. Sounds like an awesome idea for a movie except somehow they made it a boring attempt at a Paul Greengrass docu-drama.

FIFTY SHADES DARKER

An easy victim to add to the list admittedly but what can I say? I’m not the demographic this is aimed at and yet I was subjected to it. The dialogue is beyond ludicrous...

Christian Grey: I hope you're not a sore loser. Anastasia Steele: That depends on how hard you spank me.

Maybe I’ll watch it again just to make sure I thought it was utter balls 🤔

Other stinkers of the year (but not stinky enough to get a deeper mention) include:

• Assassins Creed (promising but fell apart)
• The Great Wall (colourful stupidity)
• The Belko Experiment (Looked like it had been pulled out of the 90’s - in a bad way)
• Kong Skull Island (another example of how a visually striking film can’t paper over the fact that it’s boring and offered nothing new)

NEXT WEEK - The movies that (nearly) made the top ten...