And so it begins...with two kids to look after, not to mention a wife, who for some reason wants constant attention as if I’m bound by law to tend to, I’ve struggles to get to the cinema as much as I’d like. However I’ve been flying through the internet to catch up in the autumn and I gave myself a self inflicting book ban so that I saw as many films as possible. A few in the top 10 are thanks to this method.
But as ever to get to the top, we need to start at the bottom.
Out of every gorgeous baby comes human shit and Hollywood is no different. 2017 has been a vintage year for unoriginality and unspeakable horror. But enough about Love Island, here is my opinion on what was cinematically god awful in 2017.
As ever please note that I am not Mark Kermode or any other film critic and as you should already know that by my grammar and simple language, it means that I have not seen every film that came out so if you think one you love or hate is missing, let me know and I’ll tell you if I saw it.
TRANSFORMERS : THE LAST KNIGHT
After the Shia era ended, I vowed not to spend any more hard earned money seeing Transformer films at the cinema. I’ve kept that promise over two god awful Marky-Mark starring robot porn extravaganzas. This is officially the worst film I’ve seen this year. As usual it’s running time is 2 and a half hours long which means it could have been a much better movie if they shaved off about 2 and a half hours off the final cut. Where to start? There’s the usual obligatory water thin attempt of a female character, a few dozen annoying robots, some of whom we’re meant to remember the names of from other films. Some are fat (HOW!?). There’s a small role for Tony Hale (Arrested Development/Veep) that will be studied for decades to come as an example of money grab acting. Carson from Downton Abbey play Carson but as as robot and has significant screen time. Really!
RINGS
Unnecessary reboot of the J-Horror reboot franchise. The original Americanised version back in 2002 was solid but now they’re fucking with the mythology so much, the ‘tape’ is no longer a tape, it’s a fucking mp4 file that they drag and drop to copy. There are so many good horror films that came out this year, this is not one of them. Ctrl / alt / delete log out of all future attempts.
TABLE 19
The classic dilemma of a film that doesn’t know what it wants to be. A romantic comedy? Well it’s not romantic that’s for sure. An indie comedy? Perhaps but it’s not laugh out loud funny. A drama? Can’t be because they’re trying (not very hard) to be funny and romantic. The only saving grace is Anna Kendrick who can do no wrong in my eyes.
6 DAYS
A Netflix original flick based on the Iranian Embassy terrorist siege in London that resulted in an ambitious SAS infiltration mission that was seen live on TV around the globe. Sounds like an awesome idea for a movie except somehow they made it a boring attempt at a Paul Greengrass docu-drama.
FIFTY SHADES DARKER
An easy victim to add to the list admittedly but what can I say? I’m not the demographic this is aimed at and yet I was subjected to it. The dialogue is beyond ludicrous...
Christian Grey: I hope you're not a sore loser. Anastasia Steele: That depends on how hard you spank me.
Maybe I’ll watch it again just to make sure I thought it was utter balls 🤔
Other stinkers of the year (but not stinky enough to get a deeper mention) include:
- Assassins Creed (promising but fell apart)
- The Great Wall (colourful stupidity)
- The Belko Experiment (Looked like it had been pulled out of the 90’s - in a bad way)
- Kong Skull Island (another example of how a visually striking film can’t paper over the fact that it’s boring and offered nothing new)
NEXT WEEK - The movies that (nearly) made the top ten...
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