This years General Election fooled all the critics, making it the most anti-climatic in years. The night itself was full of fake smiles and large dollops of spin. But just in case you missed it...
What's the general election?
It's a popularity contest where the British public choose a twat who claims to be 'less twatty' than the other candidates.
What do they win?
Among other things, free lunches, moats and second houses. But officially they win the right to govern for the benefit and on behalf of the British public.
Where does all this happen?
In the House of Commons, ironically most of them are anything but. When they are all in the same room, they resort to mockery and shouting.
So it's Top Gear?
It's exactly like Top Gear.
So who won king of the twats?
The majority of the votes went to the Conservatives which came as a surprise to many, as various opinion polls had the contest as a much much closer affair. The leader of the Conservative Party is the thumb looking David Cameron.
I don't like him, that's why I didn't register to vote. I agreed with Russell Brand and his powerful non voting revolution of change.
You obviously haven't been keeping up with current events. Russell did a U-turn and told his dozens of fans to vote Labour a week before the election.
WHAT!? Judas! I'm never buying any of his quirky Hollywood comedies again! I'll stick with my 2nd favourite comedian, Al Murray. I wish I could vote for him. That would be sick!
Ermmm. (Explains that Al Murray was a candidate in South Thanet)
How can this be happening!? Is South Thanet even a real place?
No one knows.
So what happens now?
Well the Tories are in power for...
Wait...who's Datorys? Is she the Queen of Dragons? She's proper fit! Was she running? If so I'd run behind her if you know what I mean?
You seem to be confusing the power struggle of Westeros over the power struggle of Westminister. The Conservatives nickname is the Tories. Your sordid sexualisation of the queen of dragons is not uncommon but bears no resemblance to our actual Queen.
Ok, ok...so what do I get out of this new government? I live on the dole, in a council house and I have a spare bedroom I just use for back issues of The Guardian and pirated episodes of Game of Thrones.
Erm, you may be a little screwed there. I'm surprised you haven't been dealt with sooner. You're pretty much the problem as far as the Tories are concerned.
Fuck this! I'm gonna complain. How do I do this? I used to contact Watchdog but I stopped after Alice Beer left.
Well there's many ways you can air your opinion. One would have been to vote but aside from that you could maybe go on an organised march.
Like Stannis Baratheon!? Sign me up!
Sigh, no. A march is like a publicised fight for a cause you believe in. There's one for the fight against Austerity that's happening next month. You can sign up here. https://www.facebook.com/events/460624807433119/
I can't be seen in public. I'm supposed to be signed off with a "sore back." I'll just have to hope you guys sort this mess out. But if you ever need a chipped Sky+ box or cherry flavoured vapes, let me know.
Maybe we voted for the right party after all.