The Worst of 2018

Since I got my Odeon Limitless Card in the summer, I’ve been able to see more films that I may have not paid to see in the first place. This means that this list is arguably stinkier than ever before. There is no redemption for these 5 flicks, no second opinions, no "I think you’re being harsh." They’re straight up dogshit and I’m going to attempt to not waste too much time getting worked up about them.

So let’s go. 

I Feel Pretty

This film provoked a backlash when the trailer was released as it seemed to indicate that you’re happiest when you’re beautiful. The filmmakers insisted that you dispel those notions when you see the film. Turns out the initial reaction was mostly correct. Yes of course they try to force a message down your throat in the final act about how you can be beautiful no matter what you think your flaws are. Turns out the film is pug ugly and there are no hidden qualities inside it. It’s highly unfunny which is tough for a film selling itself as a comedy. It feels like it should have been made in the 90’s. The Amy Schumer express is nearing the end of the line and it needs to find some new track.

Fifty Shades Freed

Some may ask, why did you even watch it in the first place?

A) I’m married

B) I prefer to be happily married

C) I like to laugh at shit films in front of my partner.

This is the opposite of I Feel Pretty. It’s hilarious.

The dialogue is delivered as if it’s a bad Saturday Night alive sketch.

Luckily this seems to be the last instalment and box office takings are way down since film number one. 

Avoid.

Rampage

If there’s anything that 2018 taught us, it’s that as unlikely as it may seem, we can sometimes be given too much Dwayne Johnson content. This resulted in some of his efforts being largely ignored and Rampage is one of those. There’s nothing absurdly wrong with this video game adaptation except that its complete and utterly beyond boring. By the numbers blockbuster chuffa with no unique style substance. Actually looking at this list, if all of these films were made in the 90’s, they may be considered cult classics by now. 

The Commuter 

A few years ago, Liam Neeson decided that he was the schoolground cock of the Geri-action genre, hell he practically invented it. So he just said yes to any old bollocks that came his way. One of those projects was Non Stop, an mystery set on a plane. Kind of like Flightplan but somehow worse. Years later, the maker of Non-Stop thought "what else goes Non-Stop?" And now we have The Commuter. If you haven’t guessed by now, it’s Non Stop...on a fuckin train. 

Sigh.

Finally...

Venom

Oh

Dear

God

How many times can Sony fuck up this character? Twice at least it seems. We all kinda knew this was coming. The pictures on set, the trailers, the accompanying Eminem soundtrack, the lack of buzz even with hours to go until it’s release. However some of us held out hope. We believed Tom Hardy was immune to bad decisions (except This Means War). This film is a travesty. You know it by how fast it ends up on Film Four. Guaranteed before next Christmas I reckon. 

The acting is bad, the action is bad, the plot is bad, the editing is bad. This isn’t one of those "there’s a good film in there somewhere" scenarios. I’ve had shits more dramatic than this. 

Fuck off Venom and your amazingly high box office earnings. Just so you realise how bad this is for the future. This made more than most of the X-Men movies, more than Ant-man, more than Batman Begins and soon it will make more than Logan. 

Venom is currently the 5th biggest film in the world this year. This is what happens when you vote Leave.

If you’re an atheist and you want to convert anyone, make them watch this. They will then question whether there is a god who let this be released.

Next Week - Hidden Gems 2018 and the ones that (nearly) made the list. Yes I tend to spread this out more than a German beach towel.