I struggled this week to think of a subject to write about. I was gonna talk about James Gandolfini but I couldn't do him justice, then I was gonna do The Apprentice but I'll hold that for another time. So I racked my brain and thought about a show that is hard to turn away from but also achingly annoying.
Enter The One Show.
It's basically the News for Racist Royalists. Those that don't want any foreign correspondents telling them about starving brown people. They want to know about who said what back in the day and why the Queen likes Corgi's.
But for those that don't know what I'm going on about, let me explain.
The show begins with a extremely clever and catchy (ie annoying) musical jingle where a choir basically says OOONNNEEE! 5 times. It's truly groundbreaking.
Then there's an audience but they can't afford chairs so they stand for 30m (60m if it's a Friday, keep up!) but there's only 10 of them so I don't think they're intentionally participating, it's prob just a waiting area for fraudulent Jimmy Saville abusees who want beyond the grave justice and have to watch the show to complete their lawsuit. Many decide to end their claim there and then rather than be abused again by Alex Jones.
Alex Jones by the way is the fuzzy and warm host. We know this because she has an accent and all regionally spoken hosts can be trusted. Her previous co-host was fuzzy and cheeky Jason Manford. We know he's warm cause he has an accent, but he's also warm from all the wanking he does when he was found out as a propa bad sexter! His missus wasn't happy but he left soon after that scandal.
So now she's left with warm and fuzzy Matt Baker. We know he's warm cause he has a countryside accent and he was a Blue Peter presenter. Blue Peter presenters never go rogue and snort coke off the cracks of Prozzie's.
Straight away they introduce their guest for the evening. But they're not there for the good of their health. They have tat to sell whether it be a book, a stand up DVD or a concert tour. More offer than not the guest of honour is a washed up pop star from way back when (I swear Donny Osmond is on it every 2 weeks) but sometimes they get a jet lagged Bruce Willis or a confused David Cameron.
Now most shows would lick the arse of their guest and plug whatever it is they have to offer but not The One Show, they pull a 180 such as this peach.
"Please welcome our guest, acclaimed actor Michael Gambon. (Applause)
Today marks the 247th anniversary of the great Southampton Cauliflower Famine, we sent Ewan Thomas (???) to find out if the region has recovered.
So now Gambon is left to his own devices whilst we watch a VT of some ex athlete bombing it round the south coast looking for veg. Then they return back to the studio and thrown ole Gambon a curveball.
"So Michael, have you eaten a cauliflower recently?"
But the guest may have not even seen the segment as the TV screen showing it is on some fucked up angle so we 'the viewer' can see it for some reason. So Gambon has to pull a neck muscle to see the piece and then comment on its contents. Whatever the guest proclaims, Matt will hold his hand to his mouth as if he's just heard who got killed in Game of Thrones next week.
And then to calm his down they mention his new film, but only for a minute before launching into a segment on where the phrase 'when I was your age' originated.
Then repeat the above three more times and you have The One Show.
I hear you cry 'this is amazing groundbreaking television' but wait there's a finale! On Fridays the producers decided that Baker can't be on our TV's too much so they rope in Chris Evans (the ginger one) and they do a whole hour of this shit. But the one difference is that they go outside and do some kind of activity that usually involves going around in a circle. If they changed it up to a figure of eight, grannies would collapse in front of their black and white John Lewis TV's.
It's probably best to end the post on this note. Just in case you haven't yet agreed to why this show is the devil. The One Show made 'stars' of Adrian 'pork pie' Chiles and Christine 'I used too much self tan but I can't go back now otherwise I'd just be admitting it' Bleakley.
Now they're national treasures. I think.
Adam Yates
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