Gerard Returns to Merseyside

Liverpool FC could be forgiven for thinking that they had heard the last of a Gerard playing in Merseyside however last month, neighbours Everton snapped up Barcelona under-21 winger Gerard Deulofeu for a fee of €6m euros. But what does £4.3m in old money buy the Toffees and what can he bring to a team whose tactics were woefully exposed last season?

Everton have done more than research their latest acquisition. Roberto Martinez took Deulofeu on loan back in his freshman season as manager and he proved to be a firm fan favourite during his time at Goodison making 25 appearances and scoring four goals, his first being on his debut against Stevenage in the League Cup second round. Gerard was unfortunately injured during part of the campaign but returned to his homeland on good terms with the club and supporters alike. It was assumed that the winger would migrate into the Barca senior squad seamlessly but he was quickly sent back on loan to Sevilla where his form diminished and the wheels were set in motion for an eventual Everton return which seemed to suit all parties.

In terms of position, Deulofeu's arrival will provide some much needed competition in midfield and players such as Leon Osman, Aiden McGeady and to a lesser extent, Steven Naismith will find their favoured positions under threat. It would be an understatement to point out the lack of goals/assists that the middle-men converted last season but for the statistic voyeurs amongst you, not one midfielder in the squad managed more than 3 assists and only Mirallas scored more than 2 goals. That is a woeful return for a team that strives to be a constant mainstay in the top half of the league.

With a potentially fully fit squad plus Deulofeu to play with as August 8th rolls around, Roberto Martinez is in the envious position of having some difficult decisions to make in terms of formation and squad selection. Nearly everyone has something to prove from a disappointing league campaign last season. The fan favourite formation would be 4-1-3-1 with a holding defensive midfielder. That would give Gerard a chance to shine on the right hand side of the field. The other option would be a standard 4-4-2 where he could also play alongside Lukaku as a makeshift forward although Naismith would understandably lay claim to both of those, with workhorse-esque performances 8 goals last year. In form Seamus Coleman may also feel put out as his usual strategy of tearing down the right side of the pitch and attacking the corner of the penalty area could be hampered by the arrival of Deulofeu and that could play a pivotal part in his upcoming decision whether to follow Fellaini to Old Trafford. This must be avoided at all costs and his playing style must be adhered to avoid losing one of Everton's most prized assets.

Over the last few years, Deulofeu has quickly risen through the ranks of Spain's junior squads and is now on the precipice of the senior national side. But as former Evertonian captain Mikel Arteta can attest to in the past, playing well for your domestic side doesn't necessarily win you a call up, especially if you play for an English side. Of the current national

Spanish squad, only four play in England and Deulofeu may learn that only an astronomical debut season would break that trend. The ultimate downside for Everton is that Barcelona have a sensible buy back/first refusal option in place if Deulofeu proves to be a hit. With that in mind, his ultimate dream of playing for the Catalan giants remains somewhat intact. 

Some experts and pundits have lazily dubbed him 'the new Cristiano Ronaldo' and if by some miracle he lives up to that comparison, don't expect to see him playing against Stevenage in a couple of years time.

Adam Yates 

Everton: A season in review

A perfect and somewhat overused analogy to sum up Everton's sophomore season under Roberto Martinez is 'the difficult second album.' How can you top what was accomplished the first time round when the opposition know what to expect? Fans who may have been expecting a season similar to Nirvana's fantastic 'Nevermind' were instead given Coldplay's more tepid 'A Rush of Blood to the Head.'

You don't have to be Gary Neville to analyse the change in fortunes between the last two Everton campaigns. From the lofty heights of fifth place at the end of the 13/14 season, the last venture has resulted in a disheartening 11th. A devastating -24 swing in terms of goal difference and winning an astonishing nine fewer games.

The obvious answer to pose for this dip in form is also an overused one...

Playing in the Europa League.

Tell that to Tottenham Hotspur who not only played the exact number of games in their european adventure but improved upon their domestic position 12 months prior. Sevilla last week retained the Europa League crown and yet still managed to finish 5th in La Liga. The hot theory amongst pundits concerning teams not wanting to participate in a European run resulting in inconsistent form is irritating and insulting to those who don't reside in the top four year in year out.

Back to the toffees whose season's only highlight ironically WAS their relatively strong European run which was eventually cut short at the last-16 stage with an ridiculously poor outing away to Dynamo Kiev. Despite Everton missing out on the quarter finals and beyond, the tournaments top scorer was a blue. Lukaku's eight goals was enough to secure the crown which is proof of our dominance in the group stages which made the eventual exit all the more painful.

Winding our way back to Summer 2014 and things were in very good shape and the Blue half of Liverpool were enjoying a rare sight of a manager doing his deals early. In came the familiar faces of Lukaku and Gareth Barry who had already proved themselves on loan. One for the future, Muhamed Bešić was signed after his impressive showings at the World Cup with Bosnia and Herzegovina.

However by the end of the first month, it was clear where the problems lay. Defence. Everton equalled the worst defensive start over three games letting in 10 goals. Martinez began losing patience in Sylvain Distin, which ultimately led to him being frozen out the team. The English backbone of Baines and Jagielka weren't firing on all cylinders and the fresh faced John Stones was showing raw talent albeit with occasional lapses in decision making under pressure. The defensive errors dropped slightly as the season progressed but the damage was done and this is where strength needs to be added for the upcoming 15/16 season.

Further up the field, things were much brighter. The aforementioned Lukaku finally unpacked his bags at a cost of £28 million and he was shortly followed by Samuel Eto'o on a free transfer. Fans had a reason to believe and with an energetic Mirallas and a resilient Steven Naismith, goals weren't far away. Even Jagielka managed six in all competitions including a season defining equaliser against Liverpool in the Merseyside derby.

Meanwhile, the sensible and exciting passing style from Martinez's first season turned into simply sensible. At times, Goodison Park was unusually vocally critical of this methodology especially as it failed to turn into Premier League points. The Goodison faithful witnessed 7 home runs over the course of the season compared to 13 the year prior and they made it clear vocally that they had noticed. 

What was especially frustrating is that the squad could be considered one of the best in recent years however there were some underachievers including a certain future England captain. As well as Aiden McGeady, Ross Barkley never reached his potential at any point during the campaign. The pundits started making their feelings known and fans began to have a go when Ross made runs at the defence and lost possession.

In the latter half of the season, Everton found a certain level of form but the continued success in Europe always played on their minds. Understandably, finishing 11th isn't all that attractive to the squad's star talent and there isn't a day that seems to go by without the words "sources suggest" followed by either Lukaku, Mirallas or James McCarthy's name. 

Graffiti had also begun cropping up on the side of Goodison asking for the sacking of Martinez but those grumbles are in the minority and I, like many others,  believe that this season was a blip, a pretty big blip but one none the less.

Premier League Goes Bare!

The Premier League announced today that England's top division will be sponsorless after its current deal with Barclays concludes next season. From 2016/17, The Premier League will be the official title of the top flight, the first time it has been without a sponsor since its inaugural season back in 1992.

Sources suggest it's a strategic move to create a 'clean brand' in line with most U.S. sporting organisations such as the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball however it will still pinch the financial pocket. The last deal made with Barclays resulted in a £120 million windfall for the Premier League and it's uncertain whether this is a permanent move or simply a temporary one until a suitable and respected brand can be negotiated with.

With that in mind, here are five potential sponsors that would jump at the chance at being the masthead to the world's most watched football league.

Sports Direct Premier League

Funded by a £200 million loan paid through Rangers PLC, Sports Direct founder Mike Ashley would take the Premiership to another level. Match day mascots would be replaced by zero hour Sports Direct staff who are available at an hours notice. 

FIFA Premiership

The one thing FIFA needs right now is positive press and getting behind the world's greatest league is a plum move.

Of course there would be some requirements that are non-negotiable.

All newly promoted teams would play their home games in Dubai to expand the worldwide market, all disciplinary hearings would be resolved between 12-18 months and any side that commits a handball must pay £5 million euros to the opposing team to avoid future legal ramifications.

The ITVBe Premmie

The recently launched ITV spinoff channel has not reached the echelons of success since its birth in October 2014. A lucrative sponsorship deal would be a potential goldmine for ITV and also tap into a new market of football fans to its existing and predominantly female audience. Of course the Saturday night highlights programme da' Premmie would be removed from the safe hands of the BBC and placed on the ITVBe channel at the earlier time of 5.15pm presented by Christine Bleakley and Joey Essex. The programme will be followed by the spin off show More of da' Premmie where instead of the actual games, the fly on the wall show focusses on the viewers of the earlier Premmie show and the everyday conflicts that occur. Think Gogglebox but not Gogglebox for legal reasons.

Disney League Soccer

The quickest and boldest revamp in the leagues history sees a major rebranding campaign as the Premier League becomes the DLS, all teams are assigned an official Disney Mascot and nickname. All team specific sponsorship deals involving alcohol are banned as is spitting, one footed tackles, bad or moderate language and chewing gum. However ticket prices are lowered, younger fans are encouraged and the football itself is resized appropriately.

Revealed - Sepp Blatter's Diary

The following may or may not be excerpts from the diary of FIFA kingpin Sepp Blatter in the week that shocked world football.

Tuesday 26th May - Tough day. Putting the finishing touches to our annual Zurich conference. Had a good dinner with Jack and Eugenio where we discussed business and our favourite Swiss bank foyers. Had a glass of wine before heading upstairs where I opened yet another present from my new Qatari friends. I get into my silk jim jams and get a rare early night.

Wednesday 27th May - I've had better wake up calls it must be said. I had planned on having a lie in but I heard an almighty ruckus outside my room. I poked my head outside to see what all the fuss was. I saw several American lawmen handcuffing my boys and throwing linen sheets on their heads. They don't deserve to be treated like that. One of the men walked over to me and asked my name to which I responded "Sir, I am the great French actor Gerald Depardieu, kindly remove your extradition order from my gorgeous face." He puffed his cheeks and walked away. I shut my hotel room door and hid under the bed until 1pm. I recited a statement while I was under there and emailed it to my spokesman, Walter De Gregorio. I told him to tell the truth...that we welcome any investigation and that we are an esteemed and moral organisation that focuses on the passion of football and not our own interests. I then had a shower, purchased Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 5 off the iTunes using my FIFA Platinum credit card. Those strange ladymen don't get abused the way I do. They should spend a day in my shoes but I assume they would prefer heels. Hahaha! I'm going to use that one tomorrow in the press conference.

Thursday 28th May - I was supposed to be attending a medical meeting in the morning but I backed out so they could get on with business. Instead I read the papers and saw that everyone was calling me nasty names. That made me angry so I got dressed and decided that I would make an apprarance. I went in the side entrance as there were too many supporters at the front that wanted to cheer me inside. The conference itself was quite boring, I played Angry Birds through most of it. People still play that don't they?

Friday 29th May - Today's the day of the presidential vote. I make my calls to the various organisations stating why they should believe in me and my principles. A lot of them seemed scared of what I would do to them if they voted for Prince Ali. I told them they are free to vote for whomever they want. I made a note of those scared countries just in case. I make my way to the conference and give a rousing speech. The votes are cast and I win the first round but not by enough to win outright. I speak with Prince Ali and offer him a chance to leave with dignity which he accepts. Ali stands down as a nominee. I WON! I can't believe it! I get applauded on stage by my friends and recite an old speech I gave last time. What a day! I'm so happy.

Saturday 30th May - Massive Hangover. I eventually get up at 3pm for a meeting with some of the participants in this Summer's Women's World Cup. They are very pretty and have nice bottoms. I don't tell them that but I sneak a peek as they sign a football that will get auctioned off for charity.

Sunday 31st May - David Gill rang me today to say that he's resigning as Vice President. These Brits are so dramatic, anything that doesn't go their way, they get their knickers in a twist. He can leave for all I care. He threatens that he will try to get UEFA to boycott any future World Cups but I don't believe him. UEFA is like Diet Coke...it's full of goodness, causes weight loss but ultimately you just wish you had the real thing.

Monday 1st June - The media don't seem to have found anything to talk about apart from the corruption nonsense. It's exhausting. Why can't they all just go away. They seem to be whispering about a $10 million payment that Jérôme Valcke authorised and a potential bribe scandal but I don't see the connection. He simply accepted money in return for a favour. The sponsors of our tournaments are getting upset. I don’t understand why though as they slide envelopes under my hotel room door most days, some of which have money in them which is strange as it’s not my birthday. I keep the money anyway. It’s always handy to have in case I get stopped in the street by one of those guys asking me to help the homeless.

Tuesday 2nd June - Woke up quite tired today. All this extradition mumbo jumbo is rather irritating. I've been the boss of football for over twenty years now and maybe it's time for someone else to realise what a ball ache it is. Besides I can still give my opinions and I'm sure I would be welcome in any future conferences. I've given all my time and energy to this job and now I should concentrate on me. I haven't even seen Mad Max Fury Road yet for Christs sake! Some of my accused colleagues have been assured by the F.B.I that they will show it on the flight to the U.S.

2002: a cinematic odyssey

The Year...2002

The Film...Star Wars Episode ll Attack of the Clones

I had successfully completed the first step in my master plan to bunk off school and be in the first showing for Attack of the Clones. Back then I was convinced that the midday screening meant a better experience which I now know to be false. My friend and I had snuck down beneath the window as our bus crawled past our school and towards the paradise that was 'the city centre.' As Samwise Gamgee once said... "If I take one more step, it will be the farthest away from home I've ever been." That was how it felt. Our bus travelled down roads and streets I had never seen or at least never felt as alive and filled with other humans, most of whom wouldn't know a Wookie if one came up and pulled their head off. Once inside screen 1 and temporarily safe from the prospect of expulsion, Clones provided me with one of my best cinematic moments ever when Master Yoda pulled out a lightsabre and fought Christopher Lee. 

Looking back, my school could care less about my dalliances with a galaxy far far away and the film itself was wholly average but when you're under 18, every film you see in the cinema is the best you've ever seen, although I had already disproved this theory three years prior when I saw Wild Wild West. We had all left raving about Big Willie and the giant ass mechanical spider and I just said "it was shit." That was the day I knew I loved the movies.

However, would I bunk off work this summer to see the new Ant Man movie or the Fantastic Four reboot? Not a chance. Seeing a film at 11.30am doesn't hold that thrill anymore and I would much rather see it in a sold out theatre filled with people who may or may not have 2 for 1 tickets because they bought car insurance off a over zealous meerkat.

2002 was the year that my mandatory time in education was coming to an end. It was also the year I discovered Texas Hold'em poker, lost £100 on one hand and spent the next 12 hours winning it back. The Wire made its television debut years before it was cool to watch it whereas The X Files ended years AFTER it was cool to watch it. It was the year Virgin Records bought out Mariah Carey's contract for $28 million, essentially paying her to not record any more music.  They should have asked me, I'd be quite happy to not record music for half that! 

But it was in 2002 that I had begun an experiment that would become my lifes' work. I decided to make a note of every film I saw. By year's end I would have seen 312 films which essentially means I saw a new movie every 1.16 days. That pace was never replicated in the 13 years that have followed. For example back in those days, by this point of the year I would have seen around 135 movies. At the time of writing, in 2015, I have seen 26.

For the most part, 2002 was a terrible year for the movies. Where there was a schoolboy named Harry Potter, there was also unfortunately a schoolboy named Van Wilder. For every Eighth Mile there was also an Eight Legged Freak. 

It began in the worst possible way but with it, an understandable reason. Four months prior, the world had seen the events of September 11 burned into their retinas for all time and most Americans simply didn't fancy going to the movies and having a good time while people lay still forever under concrete and steel. Some attempts had failed by releasing their movies regardless of the tragedy. Donnie Darko had a pivotal and unfortunate scene involving a falling airplane engine whilst Zoolander was set in New York and had a plot that under the circumstances just seemed trivial at best. These fine movies eventually although were celebrated and acclaimed on home video and became cult classic due simply perhaps to timing. The first set of rescheduled releases came in the spring of 2002 and were critically mauled.  Collateral Damage starring Arnie featured a bomb attack that struck too close to home but the film was a hot mess however you spun it. A remake of the cult movie Rollerball performed worse than Pete Doherty sober and Britney Spears attempt at acting in Crossroads left us in no doubt which way we wanted to drive in...the opposite direction.

March was the turning point for Hollywood and for me personally. I noticed an advert in Heat magazine (don't judge me) that gave you a chance to go to a preview screening of a film free of charge. It was a way of providing positive word of mouth amongst the youth that cinemas craved. This was a revelation that I utilised several times through the years although on this occasion I had to take a bus and train to get to the selected multiplex. The film was titled Panic Room and the audience, as was I, were absolutely captivated. It remains one of my top 5 movies of 2002 and one that I can't turn off if I come across it channel hopping.

Other movies released may not seem groundbreaking but had lasting effects on what we love today. Even though X-Men was released at the turn of the millennium, Spider-Man captured the spirit and the heart of comic books and the current MCU should thank Tobey Maguire in part for the riches they enjoy today. Christopher Nolan (Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception, Interstellar) continued his cinematic training with Insomnia which was distributed with Warner Bros, the studio he has stayed loyal with ever since. We may have laughed at The Rock's attempt to be a legitimate actor in  The Scorpion King but skip ahead 12 years and millions call him by his real name and that name is now a respectable one. The same can be said for Matt Damon. We all believe that he can kick our asses with a rolled up newspaper because of The Bourne Identity and that franchise went from strength to strength. This also holds a special memory as I have seen all four films with my best friend and we have maintained that we will continue to do so for any future instalments. There is no logical reason for this commitment but 2002 was a strange year in general.

What other year could you watch a film and walk out saying "Matthew Lillard was the best thing in that" or "Who knew Jason Statham was a complete and utter badass?" Scooby Doo and The Transporter being the films in question.

Nowadays we are spoiled with a Marvel film every other Tuesday but back in the day, there was one time of the year when Hollywood squeezed in every explosion, chase and weapon known to man...Summer. The aforementioned Spider-Man kicked it off but in my opinion, it's not summer without a Spielberg tentpole and Steven gave us a thrill ride starring the ever energetic Tom Cruise. Minority Report is a chase that never slows down until the credits roll. It's terrifying, imaginative and most importantly for the summer season, fun. 

July continued but I was not where I imagined I'd be. I wasn't just watching Hollywood, I was in it! My family and I had embarked on a ambitious three week driving holiday from Las Vegas to San Francisco. We had reached LA and my parents were exhausted from constant motion. We pulled into a cliche motel and while my family slept, I walked out onto the pavement not to see 000's of handprints and famous names but gas stations and shopping malls. I flipped a coin to determine which direction to head in and began a walk that would define my holiday. I had been walking for ninety minutes in baking hot sunshine with no plan when I came to a large structure with vicious sound emanating from it. I followed a gaggle of tourists up a small hill and couldn't believe my luck. I had reached Universal Studios. 

The extreme high was followed by a more devastating low...I had spent so much time getting there I had to leave to get back. So I had a quick look around and left frustrated as if it was the biggest teaser trailer in history. The next day I knew what I had to do and whilst the family went to Disneyland, I made that same 90 minute walk to Dreamland. I went on a couple of great rides but I spent most of my time in the confines of the cinema. A double bill that with hindsight seems a entire waste of four hours. Men in Black 2 (rubbish) and Reign of Fire (a dragon movie with hardly any dragons) was still an experience I'll never forget which is strange as I could have been any cinema screen in the world. I made my way to the hotel yet again with a spring in my step. I was happy to hear where we were visiting tomorrow...Universal Studios. I was proclaimed the unofficial tour guide due to my two prior visits but this time we did the full monty. We took the full tour, several rides and yes, another double bill of movies. This set was slightly more enjoyable. The first was Austin Powers in Goldmember (respectable) followed by Eight Legged Freaks (b-movie guilty pleasure). I had seen 4 movies in two days...whilst on holiday. My tally was healthy even though my notepad was over 5000 miles away.

Upon my return to this sceptred isle, I took a trip to my local theatre to witness a thinly veiled attempt to rip off James Bond for an American audience. It starred Vin Diesel and its name was XXX. It's laughable looking back, especially a scene where Mr Diesel rides a motorbike (probably powered by Diesel) over a moderate incline with an tremendous explosion racing behind him. It was forced down our throat so much that the actual stunt was shot from approx 37 different angles and it seemed that the bike was in air for the entire second act. 

Triple X failed to kick off a franchise successfully in the style of Bond which is ironic as 007 was about to hit its lowest ebb with Die Another Day. Decisions such as a embarrassing Madonna cameo, wholly outrageous CGI, a relentlessly annoying Halle Berry and an INVISIBLE CAR!? was enough to bury Pierce Brosnan's Bond where he lay dormant until 2006 when Daniel Craig retrieved 007's balls back.

More box office bombs came out of that year, most of whom I have still yet to ever see with my own eyes. Eddie Murphy's The Adventures of Pluto Nash only made 10% of its budget back and further pushed what was once a juggernaut of comedy further into obscurity and have you ever heard of Avenging Angelo.  I'm sure you haven't. It featured Sly Stallone and didn't even make $1 million total.

I began by explaining my efforts to witness the second part of a trilogy and my memories of 2002 ends with one too. Little did we all know that back in 1999, a movie series was being filmed in faraway New Zealand that would change blockbusters forever. It would prove that if you simply add likeable characters, an epic journey and a few hundred pairs of hairy feet you had a hit on your hands. From 2001-2003, Christmas was dominated by The Lord of the Rings and if it was a sandwich, The Two Towers was the delicious meaty filling. I went three times before the year was over which is a challenge as the film is three hours long. It ended up being the most successful movie of the year making nearly $1 BILLION. 

In a world of downloads, torrents and piracy, there's nothing better than 200 people in one room laughing at a joke or gasping for a characters survival.

And so my year of film came to an end. I raise a glass to the graduating movie class of 2002. It wasn't a vintage year for you but for me, it was the best one I could ever have hoped for.

Adam Yates